Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I can't believe I'm blogging this

I guess I just have a ton of emotions right now and feel like blogging it out.  They say that talking about your feelings helps you deal with stress right?  Here's hoping.

So, 2 1/2 weeks ago (August 10th), I was surprised with this:






Well, perhaps "surprised" is the wrong word... because we were trying, but after having two losses this year, and this being our first month trying again, (only now having one fallopian tube)  I was not expecting to get pregnant this quickly.  I was prepared for it to take a while, especially since it took us 9 months of trying for Tyler's sibling before becoming pregnant in January, now with only having one tube I thought it could take even longer.

So, that morning, I called the doctor's office as soon as they opened.  Since I have had 2 ectopics this year, I knew they would monitor me closely so that if it were another ectopic, we could catch it more quickly than last time.  I got in that morning and they did a blood draw and told me the plan would be getting it drawn at the hospital every other day so they could, 1 - see if my numbers (hCG/pregnancy hormone) at least doubled every 48 hours, as that is a sign of a healthy pregnancy (if they did anything else it would be a sign of miscarriage or ectopic) and 2 - because as soon as the numbers reached 2,000, they could do an ultrasound to just determine the location of the pregnancy.

My numbers went up as follows every other day:  First draw @ 12 days past ovulation - 56,  then went on to be 190, 555, 1380, 3489, 9136, respectively... which is good.  They almost tripled every 48 hours.  So they scheduled the ultrasound on the day that they were 9,136 (the previous draw was on a Saturday so the offices were closed and I couldn't get in for an u/s). 

I had the ultrasound at 5w1d, and I knew there was a chance that I would only see the gestational sac.  A yolk sac and fetal pole *may* be visible at that point, but it could go either way.  I didn't see anything other than the gestational sac which looked to be empty (again, I knew it may be too early to see anything else), but the good news was it was in the right spot, and the doctor had me come back in another week to see if we could see some growth inside the sac, and if we were lucky, maybe the heartbeat.  (the heart usually begins to beat at 6 week, so again, it may be visible at that point or it may not)

I was so nervous right before the appt, worried that we could get bad news.  I had nightmares the night before that the sac was still empty, that I started bleeding etc.  But much to my relief, we saw the baby measuring right on schedule, the yolk sac, and a beautiful flickering heartbeat of 102 bpm.  This is low, as later in pregnancy baby's HR's tend to be anywhere from 120-190 bpm, but since it had only been beating for a couple of days, it wasn't a concern.

u/s pic and video of heartbeat below:



Okay, so far, everything has been progressing exactly on schedule.  I was elated yesterday (day of the u/s) and feeling very good about things, but now I'm already a nervous wreck again.  Every time I hear of someone who has had a loss at a later stage in pregnancy than I am, I think "that could happen to me".   I looked up statistics for "rate of miscarriage after a heartbeat has been seen", to try and make myself feel better and it said about 4% of women who have seen the heartbeat will still have a miscarriage, but women who have had vaginal bleeding during pregnancy have about a 13% chance after a heartbeat has been seen.  I had spotting for about 4 days starting the day after I got a positive test.  Thankfully it's gone but it still worries me that I had it at all. 

I'm really trying to be positive and not let it consume me, but it's so hard after having been through 3 losses in the past and knowing how very possible they are.  I worry about every little thing.  Last night I chased Tyler around the playground a little bit and was worried that it did something to affect the pregnancy.  I was swinging and then worried that could have done something..  Then last night I had insomnia so this morning I got a medium latte and forgot to order it half-caff, so now I'm worried about that.... that since I haven't been drinking caffeine since I found out, it was too much for my body and I jeopardized my baby/pregnancy.

I know that worry and anxiety aren't good for pregnancy, and I try to just pray and put my trust in the Lord, but I can't just turn off this constant, nagging fear of what might happen, not knowing if I'm really going to have a baby in April, or if my heart will be shattered once again, before that.  This marks my 5th pregnancy.  You would think that I would take it as the odds would be higher for this one working out but instead I feel like it usually doesn't work out for me.  I see other women who are pregnant full-term and think, "if they have made it that far, there's no reason I can't make it that far too" but I feel like it's just wishful thinking.  I try and remember that 80% of pregnancies work out and I try and remember Matthew 6:34; "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."   But still I sit, worried about everything.

Since my doctors are keeping a close eye on me, they want me to come back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks.  2 weeks from yesterday will be Mike's birthday, but I was afraid to make the appointment on that day in case we got bad news... so I scheduled it for the Friday before.  I'm such a wreck.  I wish I could be one of those people who get pregnant and can simply just be happy and excited about it.  Blissfully unaware of how it feels to lose a baby and live without the fear of having it happen again.